


Glass hearts shattering

by DisasterSoundtrack



Series: Kill a Liar [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 18:06:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4971049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisasterSoundtrack/pseuds/DisasterSoundtrack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Three deep breaths</i>, Katya's AA sponsor always says. Three deep breaths and you're good to go. Whether it's killing a spider, taking a rollercoaster ride, asking someone out or not getting that drink.</p><p>Katya's taking three deep breaths after three deep breaths, telling herself how everything is going to be okay. </p><p>(Also known as the one with someone else's bathroom, warm blankets and looking for Fame.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Glass hearts shattering

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greynails](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greynails/gifts).



> This is a prequel/sequel to _Kill a Liar (Let those dirty words pass right through me)_ , that can be found here http://archiveofourown.org/works/4929562. 
> 
> I recommend reading the previous part first if you don't like your heart to be stomped on.
> 
> Title borrowed from _Stay Away From My Friends_ by Pierce The Veil.

As you grow up, and then grow old, you remember the most random moments from your life.

A song is playing very loudly, it's this stupid 80's song Katya of course knows all the words to, but can't, for the life of him, recall the title, until the singer blasts into chorus.

'' _Tell it to my heart! Tell me I'm the only one! Is this really love or just a game?_ '' Katya starts singing along. He's in a hotel room bathroom, slowly getting into drag, but whose bathroom is this? Whose room? Katya's not sure. Why would that even matter? He's singing and stretching and jumping, pumping himself up for the gig tonight. In the mirror, he notices another face, the man wearing an expression of amusement combined with pity.

Trixie is standing in the doorway. His tank top is pink, his sweatpants grey, and Katya performs another chorus just for him, lipsyncing with feeling, finishing it off with a split, dangerous in a tiny bathroom. Trixie laughs and they sing the bridge together.

'' _Tell it to my heart, tell me from the start, tell it to my heart! Never make it stop, oh, take it to the heart!_ ''

They both sing very badly and loudly, twirling, ending the song in each other's arms, Katya bent backwards over Trixie's leg, the other man rosy on the cheeks and smiling.

''You guys! Don't you have your own rooms? I don't think my hearing is insured well enough to endure this!'' Max appears in the doorway, fully dressed and painted, grey and beautiful, frowning a little bit upon noticing Katya's and Trixie's acrobatic pose. Oh, so that is Max's room.

''Sorry darling! We'll get moving then.'' Trixie brings Katya to an upright position, slowly and gently. Katya is eternally grateful for his soft ways.

Another song kicks in, and it's Michael Jackson's _Smooth Criminal_.

''I'm staying, I like the light here. I just need to do my eyes and lips'', says Katya, so Max shrugs and walks away. Trixie winks and leaves the crowded bathroom too, leaving the door unlocked.

It's a good thing that he left, really. Katya's hands always shake too much in his presence.

This little moment in Max's hotel bathroom, being bent over in a dancing pose, when he looked at Trixie's mouth and for a brief second wished for things unimaginable and unspoken, is a moment Katya remembers for years. He remembers it as the moment his life in blissful stupidity has ended, and his life with yet another heavy weight on his chest began.

*

 _Three deep breaths_ , Katya's AA sponsor always says. Three deep breaths and you're good to go. Whether it's killing a spider, taking a rollercoaster ride, asking someone out or not getting that drink.

Katya's taking three deep breaths after three deep breaths, telling herself how everything is going to be okay. Three deep breaths after seeing Trixie all Barbie'd out. Three deep breaths after Trixie tells her she looks flawless tonight. Three deep breaths before going onstage, of course (she kills it). About thirty-three deep breaths after Trixie hugs her when she leaves the stage, all sweaty and tired and gross. Katya knows she's become paranoid all of a sudden and basically for no reason at all, but no number of deep breaths seems to be helping her case.

It's the full cast of Season 7 gig and the afterparty is crazy. She is hot in her wig, there are fans everywhere, lining up, and she gets into it, puts on a smile, forgets her wildly beating heart for an hour or more. When she's not posing for pictures or signing autographs, she's looking for Fame; she has to talk to Fame, but Fame is nowhere to be found.

_I can make it. I just have to tell Fame. She'll know what to do._

She sees Trixie in the corner with some fans, waving at her. Katya waves back distractedly, her eyes looking out for perfect padding, sparkly couture and fiery ruby hair. _I need some air. And a cigarette._

It's not easy to get to the back entrance of the club, but after about 10 minutes she manages the almost-impossible, only to realize she didn't bring her smokes.

''Fucking shitty goddamned fuck!''

''You called?''

Pearl appears in the dark alley, in all her magnificent obnoxiousness, and extends her pack of cigarettes.

''May Stalin bless you, you're saving my life.'' Katya grabs a cig with shaky hands.

''Always here for my good Judies!''

Katya takes a drag, hoping the cigarette will make her heart slow down a little bit and her head stop spinning. She leans back against the wall, closes her eyes, disconnecting from this dingy alley and its yellow lanterns. ''Fucking hell. Oh God. Oh God.''

''Are you okay?'' Pearl speaks very slowly and lazily. She's probably very high, or drunk, or both.

''No, girl, I'm pretty fucking not okay. Have you seen Fame anywhere?''

''I don't think so. What's your deal? Are you dying?''

Katya opens her eyes. Pearl is looking at her very intensly, head cocked to the side. ''Katya? Talk to me or I'm gonna freak out. Or call Violet, and she'll punch you.''

''Okay, okay. Look, Matt. I'm – I think I might have a crush on somebody who's taken.''

''I don't get it.''

 _Because you're high as a kite, bitch._ ''What don't you get about it?''

''All of a sudden you're having a heart attack over a crush?''

''No, I'm not – we're very close friends, that guy and I.''

''Yeah, I know. I might be slow at times, but I'm not stupid. Jesus'', states Pearl, irritated. ''Talk to him. Tri – he'd want to know. I bet Fame would tell you the same thing, man.''

That did not help, at all. Katya's veins start itching and she knows what it means.

_Just one drink. Just one. I'm gonna throw more than two years in the trash, along with all my feelings._

''Communication, bitch! Communication.'' Pearl puts out her cigarette with the heel of her white pump, bumps Katya's arm with a fist and enters the club again.

Katya stays outside for a few more minutes, counting breaths.

*

Katya used to think he's too old, too scarred, to be surprised. But life has been so good to him in the last few months he had to reconsider; that time has been filled with so many places, people and opportunities he was not prepared for, things that made him happy and glad he struggled to still be _here_ , alive, conscious, alert. He was certainly not prepared for the beautiful friendships that resulted of Drag Race, and he was especially not prepared for Trixie. Trixie seemed like a soul lost in time and space that was meant to meet Katya some day, some place, some circumstances. Katya was shocked at how easy it was to talk to him, trade kisses, hugs and simple friendly touches, go out for coffee, watch movies and just be in each other's presence whenever they had time for it.

Trixie, not wanting that and probably not realizing that either, turned Katya's perception of the world upside down. Twice.

It was 3 ar 4 AM after the gig and Katya hardly managed to wash off his make-up when there was a loud knock at his door, and this time, Katya was not surprised.

''I brought the movie!'' Trixie, still wearing most of his eye make-up, in his pink tank-top and pyjama bottoms, is holding a DVD case of _Chicago_. A few days ago, they realized over texting that it would be extremely funny to watch _Chicago_ while in Chicago, especially since they both had trouble sleeping after the afterparty died down.

Trixie walks in the direction of Katya's bed, swaying on his feet a little.

_He's drunk. That's just great._

''Did you drink a lot?''

''Just a little, I'm fine, c'mere, you'', Trixie pats the bedding invitingly, so Katya grabs a blanket and situates himself comfortably on the bed, two bodies melting into each other straight away, in a way that is almost too familiar. Katya knows he can't speak his mind; it's like that situation at weddings when you have to state your protest or carry it inside you forever. Katya is not a homewrecker. He will not speak. Pearl's like twenty-three, what does he know anyway?

The night ties itself in knots. One minute Katya is watching _Chicago_ , holding Trixie's hand, trying to keep his eyes from closing, and the other he realizes Trixie is not watching the movie at all. He's watching Katya. Closely. They are fully embraced, Trixie's arm around Katya's back, hands clasped tightly together, and Katya can feel her friend's breath on her neck.

''Are you okay? You're kinda off today'', says Trixie, not moving an inch away.

Katya has to remember to keep breathing. He realizes he might have an erection, in the worst possible moment.

''I'm fine, I am just – you know how when you do a number and come too close to the edge of the stage and there's a hand with a tip, and then you acidentally touch it, and after that you have too – mmm – ''

Trixie doesn't let Katya finish his nervous ramble. The kiss is sudden, wet, wrong and all kinds of _right_. Out of the blue it's falling out of a hotel window, flying in the wind, hitting the ground, bouncing up, every sensation a gay men in his early thirties has felt in his life, combined in one simple touch of another person's lips. It's very solid, there are teeth, Jesus fucking Christ, Trixie is touching Katya's naked body below the boxer's waistband, and Katya is kissing his friend back with everything he has, but he still needs to be closer.

He needs to be as close as possible, because this is not a breakthrough of any kind; this is a one-off, an only chance, a shameful memory. So he lets go of all the barriers, all the inhibitions, and forgets what he promised himself not to do.

Trixie's breathing is labored, heavy, but it's not like he wants to stop. They're getting rid of their t-shirts, although it's difficult, considering they have to stop making out to do that. Katya takes a look at Trixie's face just for a second and almost bursts out laughing, seeing all of the eyeliner smeared all over Trixie's cheeks by Katya's impatient touches.

They are finally in a world of only each other, drunk and sober and in the moment, nowhere else. Katya is going to taste every single inch of Trixie's body.

''Off with these.'' Katya is trying to pull down Trixie's sweatpants. Trixie chuckles. Katya succeeds.

_Don't stop. Don't let go. Don't leave me. I need you in my life. You are the only one I need in my life. Please._

Everything in Katya is about to explode. He's kissing the smooth insides of Trixie's thighs, the other man holding his hands in Katya's hair, there's a moaning sound, there's a struggle, there's an ending to every beginning.

''Brian'', says Trixie, escaping from Katya's intimate touches, sitting up, grabbing Katya by the hands again, innocently. ''I can't do this, I can't, I want to, but – ''

_This is exactly why you should always be prepared for the worst._

Katya swallows the bile at the back of his throat; no crying is going to happen tonight. He's not a child. ''It's fine. You're probably too drunk to think straight anyway, otherwise you wouldn't go for me.''

''Straight? You sure that's the right word?'' Trixie speaks playful words in a heartbroken, shaky tone, and his face is a mess of blush and smudged eyeliner. ''And yeah, who are we kidding? I'm way out of your league anyway. I'm a clearance Barbie, and you're a knock-off from a dollar store.''

''Your words hurt'', jokes Katya, jokingly punshing Trixie's arm.

Trixie smiles, but still looks sad. He moves closer to Katya again, engulfing his friend in a tight hug, whispering, ''But you're my dollar store knock-off.''

When you're falling out of a hotel window, there's nobody around to catch you. When you're dealing with something that might be a heartbreak, but you have no way to tell, and also you're sure it's nobody's fault but your own, there's nobody around to catch you either.

They try to fall asleep still wrapped around each other, entwined like lovers, their friendship tossed aside for just a few more hours. Katya pretends not to notice Trixie is crying, he just holds the other man like there's only tonight, and tomorrow is never going to come.

*

When Trixie tries to leave quietly in the morning, Katya understands everything with sharp clarity. Trixie is trying to explain, says he wants to ''make this right'', but there's nothing to make, nothing to save, there's just a pathetic amount of unrequited feelings and two people on opposite sides of the same affair.

Katya tightens the blanket wrapped around his shoulders. When they hug goodbye, it seems like the longest hug they've ever shared. Despite all the happenings of the night, _this_ is their most intimate moment, and it lasts for a small lifetime.

They both know they will see each other again, but when it happens, they might both be different people.

Katya doesn't want them to be different people.

*

It's like waking up every day with a hole in your body that your soul is leaking through, and then going through the time it takes to get back to bed trying to stop the soul from leaking, but not really, because caring hurts too much.

It hurts.

Katya spends days just waiting for the night to come. He has a string of shows, and it's easier to forget absolutely everything, to blank out your mind, when you're performing or talking to fans, and everybody expects you to be funny. But then the shows always end, there's a hotel bar and an empty bed that was once not empty.

Katya spends some nights engaged in a staring battle with a bottle of vodka. Katya always wins.

It hurts and he just wants it to stop. He goes back to Boston by the end of the month and begs everyone for a little break, two weeks, at least one. He spends four days in bed without eating anything, maybe trying to starve himself. He spends the next four days sitting by his table, playing with a kitchen knife and a bottle of painkillers.

He realizes he's probably the stupidest man who ever lived on the ninth day, and he picks up his phone.

**To: Trixie  
From: Katya**

_Fuck, my flat's a mess. Neighbors must think I died, I bet they can feel the smell_

They haven't talked since Chicago. Katya was sure Trixie wouldn't want to. Now, he just doesn't care anymore – he wants his best friend back.

**To: Katya  
From: Trixie**

_So, what else is new. Missed you, bitch. Now get up and do some laundry._

Katya does. It still hurts and he still feels like a functioning drunk, but there's hope it might just feel close to normal one day. He holds on to that hope, patches up the hole his soul is leaking through, and powers on.

*

(two months later, Toronto)

As you grow up, and then grow old, you remember the most random moments from your life, and realize they were not so random after all.

This time, it's a moment on a balcony of a hotel room, one hotel room for both of them. Katya is smoking, wearing only his underwear, Trixie wrapped around his back, breathing into his ear and speaking in beautiful words Katya never deserved, and there's a warm blanket surrounding both of them.

''I fell in love with the way you are in the mornings, you know.''

''What do you mean?'' asks Katya, putting out his cigarette on the railing and reaching for Trixie's hand to give a little kiss to his knuckles. Trixie caresses Katya's face with that kissed hand.

''You're less... on, you know? You're calmer, slower. Easier to keep up with. And you're not out there for other people yet. You're just mine.''

Katya turns around in Trixie's arms, so that they're face to face. He puts his arms around his best friend's waist. They're comfortable with touching each other again; well, they're more than comfortable with that. They seal it with a kiss that lasts for a long while, and means much more than sharing leftover smoke on a hotel balcony. Katya loves when Trixie bites his lower lip ever so slightly.

''What do you like about me?'' asks Trixie after the kiss ends, their foreheads still touching.

''Are you kidding me? You're the perfect mixture of plastic sass, country nerd and a big dick. You're exactly what I need.''

It's a moment on a hotel balcony, when Trixie smiles, the blanket is warm around their bodies, and the day is still young. They're lovers on the road, lovers _of_ the road, they spend too much time at airports and too little in bed, but in this moment Katya realizes they have a chance to be just fine.

There's this entire little world where it's just the two of them.

**Author's Note:**

> So, hit me up in the comments or on samrull.tumblr.com to tell me how you liked it! I'm probably going to be writing tons of fluffy stuff about these two now, so if you have any suggestions, you know where to find me :)


End file.
